Inner Thoughts

ContemplationI was looking through an old writing tool this morning. One that I’ve used for years to jot down thoughts, ideas, and chapters for books I intend to publish at some point. And I found this snippet I wrote 7 years ago…so, sometime in 2009. My father had just passed away the year before after a lengthy (14 year) struggle with ill-health.

I thought it was interesting enough to share as a blog post. Because I wonder if these thoughts and feelings might resonate with others…

*****

INNER THOUGHTS

So here’s the thing…

I’m scared all the time. And I don’t know why. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of. Making wrong choices. Saying the wrong thing. Hurting someone. Losing my mind. Losing use of body parts or functions. Losing loved ones.

Losing, period.

Living a life without meaning. Simply existing.  And then not existing anymore at all.

Un-becoming. Un-learning. Forgetting.

I’m afraid of the unknown. And I’m afraid of the known.

I’m afraid of ignorance. And I’m afraid of knowledge. Was I happier…better off…before I knew that brilliant minds could become dim with time? That bodies break? That people give up on their dreams? Get worn down and worn out?

I’m afraid of being lied to and deceived. But I’m also afraid of the truth. Because the truth is that people lie and deceive.

I’m afraid of pain. And violence. Mental, emotional, and physical.

I’m frightened of religion and belief systems. Because they cause more division than unification. More judgment than mercy.

Was life better when I believed in Santa Clause and magic and Jesus?

I’m afraid of being alone. And I’m afraid of being lost in a crowd.

I’m afraid of being not enough. And of being too much.

I’m frightened of being soft because it makes me vulnerable. But also of being hard because that makes me stern and impenetrable.

I’m afraid of poverty and I’m afraid of the demands that come with success.

I’m afraid of disappointing others. Not meeting their expectations. And I’m afraid of being perceived as someone with all the answers because people become needy and demanding.

I’m afraid of anger because it can lead to all kinds of abuse. But I’m afraid of being meek and peaceful because it makes me easy to attack and take advantage of.

I’m afraid of starvation and I’m afraid of gluttony. Because in either instance my own body can turn against me. And so can society. And it generally will.

I’m afraid of judgment and condemnation. I’m afraid of self-righteous people who proclaim themselves wiser or smarter or chosen or more enlightened.  And make those proclamations based upon presumption and deception. Then justify their own abusive behaviors on those beliefs.

But here’s the thing about fear…

It doesn’t get you anywhere.

It makes your body speed up, accelerate, expect some kind of pay-off or culmination or orgasm.

But it never comes.

It only makes you feel like your brain is going to explode. Or your heart will pound so hard and so fast that it will break from over-use.

It just makes you tired. And cynical.

I know there was a need for fear in the beginning. I think it had something to do with running away from animals who wanted to eat us.

Instead of Original Sin, I want to know who created Original Fear?

 

Copyright ©2016 Tracy Partridge-Johnson. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Upheaval

 

The Tower - XVII rarely perform readings for myself. I can do it…many psychics can’t. It’s just that I don’t normally feel the need for guidance in my personal life.

But the last couple of weeks have been exceptionally disturbing and unusual for me, so I just decided to do a spontaneous reading on the energies surrounding me…to see what Spirit had to say on it.

Per usual, I was astonished by how sensitive and in-touch the reading was with what is going on both outside of and inside of me right now.

The first two cards I was given were The Tower (pictured to the left here) and immediately following that…Death. Death - XIIIBoth of which reflect the upheaval surrounding me currently and are having a profound influence in my life at present.

Two weeks ago yesterday, on July 13th, my children’s father and my first husband (of 17 years) suddenly and unexpectedly died. He was 53 years old.

His death has created a huge hole in their lives and the lives of our grand children…and has taught me an immense lesson regarding the importance of not leaving words unspoken or feelings unresolved.

The Saturday following his death I received a brief message from my older sister on Facebook saying that my mother had been rushed to the hospital via ambulance because a tumor on her chest was hemorrhaging uncontrollably. The diagnosis is stage 4 cancer and she has, in the last 4 days, begun  chemo therapy treatment.

My reading goes on to display the Two of Swords Swords - II, accurately depicting my current state of internal conflict and indecision regarding my own future. The events that have transpired over the last couple of weeks have made me acutely aware of my own mortality and the importance of juicing life for all it’s worth. And yet, they also make me feel numb and melancholy and I’ve had a hard time really connecting with Spirit…at least where “work” is concerned. There is a blindness about what the future holds…but the message from Spirit here is that I will continue to remain in this conflicted state until and unless I make a firm decision and move forward boldly, with confidence…not looking back with fear or regret.

 

 

 

Next, my reading revealed Strength Strength - VIII, not only indicating that these events in my life are going to require that I dig deep and access the inner strength necessary to get my life back on track…but also confirming that I DO have the strength needed to move through and beyond these circumstances, and on to taking back control of my life. But it will require that I learn to tame my own inner demons in order to find the peace and calm required for my own continued personal growth and development.

 

 

 

 

Spirit then went on to say (in her use of the Queen of Wands) that though I have the strength and power to act with confidence…still, I am blocking emotional connection because of all of the dark energy surrounding me at present. You can see from the Wands - Qemotions in her face that this Queen is not happy. She is on guard and feeling defensive, when it comes to emotional connection. She wants to be self-protective…thinking that if she blocks connection somehow she will be able to protect herself from further hurt and pain. But this is just an illusion…and one that doesn’t even make her happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The World - XXI

Next in my reading Spirit shows me, with The World card, that I will have success in overcoming these challenges and that this is the end of a cycle for me. A Life Lesson of great significance, but one which will help move me forward in my Soul Progression and help me achieve success in this lifetime.

Wands - Kn

 

 

 

 

 

The reading then comforts me by showing me (with the Knight of Wands) that a message of hope and emotional connection and support is coming from a male energy in my life (my sweetheart, Jeff) and that he will help me though this difficult time because (as depicted in the last card; the King of Wands) he is in a better position of emotional power and strength right now and his focus is on his Love and intuitive connection to me.

Wands - KThis reading was very beneficial to me in a time of spiritual and emotional need. It helped rekindle my trust in the message of Spirit…even when I am feeling a great sense of personal loss and grief.

I hope that sharing this reading and experience with you that you will also find hope and light in times of darkness in your own life.

I know that it’s difficult to recover from the loss of loved ones or to help those close to us go through the personal trials of life-altering illness and disease. Sometimes we just want to be angry and resentful. And that’s ok. It’s part of the grieving process. But it can be very beneficial to take time to reflect on those feelings…and to express them. Writing (like I am now) can be very cathartic and healing in times such as these. Even if you don’t share your thoughts with anyone else. The act of writing your feelings out can help to clarify, in your own mind, what you are experiencing and why. And writing those feelings down can help to get them “un-stuck” and out of your mind and body so that you are then better able to heal and move on with life.

Thanks for all of your love and support.

Blessings and Hugs,

Tracy